


if i should fall behind, wait for me

by MajorinMonster



Series: hold me tight and don't let go [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, I see them as in love but this is very much pre-slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:23:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1481161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorinMonster/pseuds/MajorinMonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time he sees the Winter Soldier as Bucky he swears his heart actually skips a beat. His tongue is tied, his heart is in his mouth, his palms are sweaty and his vision blurs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i should fall behind, wait for me

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh The Winter Soldier is a perfect, perfect film, I only just got around to seeing it but I'll be seeing it again as soon as possible. Anyhow, how you enjoy this, it's the first time I've written in this fandom and so I'm not sure how accurate my characterization will be. Title is from Bruce Springsteen, If I Should Fall Behind. I think the song fits pretty well for them.

The first time he sees the Winter Soldier as Bucky he swears his heart actually skips a beat. His tongue is tied, his heart is in his mouth, his palms are sweaty and his vision blurs. He isn't sure if he wants to throw up or laugh. He isn't sure if he’s still breathing. If he isn’t and this is all just an oxygen deprived hallucination he doesn't really want to have anything more to do with breathing, if it means Bucky disappears again.

And Steve does wonder if it’s real. He didn't believe the first person who told him they’d landed on the moon after all. 

The second time they meet Steve is hit with a dizzying sense of wrong. How can Bucky be standing there, eyes as dark as coal, glaring at him like Steve is his worst enemy. It slams into him all of a sudden that he is. That’s why they’re both covered in bruises and scrapes; it’s why everything is falling apart around them. Steve is the enemy. Bucky is the enemy, or at least he’s being used as a tool by the enemy. And Steve already knows this, he does, he swears he does, he knows things might go wrong, but he just can’t associate stone cold Winter Soldier with his best friend without feeling ill.

Seconds pass. Steve is sure they should be years.

The next thing he remembers clearly is the sky, through gauze, through meters of cold, clear water as he sinks like his metal shield. He blinks and there’s a face, a body swimming towards him. Hands gripping him, raising him through cold emptiness.

He blacks out again. 

He isn't sure if he wants to wake up. 

He wakes up anyway and Bucky is nowhere in sight. Steve aches for hours after that, not the ache of a body almost drowned, shot and stabbed but the ache of a heart that hadn't even acclimatized to losing his best friend the first time or the second before it happened again. Steve shouldn't have given up back then and he’ll be damned if he gives up now.  
He doesn't know where to start. The file Natasha gives him helps but it isn’t enough. Sam thinks they should head to Russia or Germany but that doesn't feel right to Steve. He tries to force himself into Bucky’s shoes, and then into the Winter Soldier’s shoes but he just stumbles back into his own head, as afraid as he’d been when he opened his eyes at S.H.I.E.L.D for the first time.

He ends up back at the museum. He tells Sam he’ll call him soon, he needs to do one last thing before they head out, though he still isn’t sure where it is they’ll be heading out to. He’s there for a while, staring at his own face and at Bucky. It’s almost closing time and the place it pretty empty, no one recognises him. The naked dummy that had held his costume is still there, though there is a sign hanging from its neck with a blurry picture Steve half recognises from outside the main S.H.I.E.L.D building. He’s wearing the stolen costume, head raised towards the sky. He doesn’t know when it was taken though it’s easy to guess. Part of him tries to muster up an annoyed sigh but his heart isn’t in it.  
It isn’t until he turns to go that he realises that there is a shadow in the corner. The Winter Soldier- Bucky steps forward, the fading light catching on his metal arm, covered fully with a gap at the wrist. Steve freezes, takes an inch of a moment to appreciate the mental pun, and then focuses. His entire world view narrows into a single beam centred on his best friend.

“Come here often?” He hedges after a full five minutes of silence, daring a step forward and pausing again when Bucky narrows his eyes. Steve tries again when Bucky doesn't reply. “You know-“

“I’m not him,”

Steve stops, blinks. Feels his heart sink just a little further into the black hole inside his chest.

“Do you understand that?” Bucky’s eyes are fixed on his, “I remember…bits.” His eyes flicker to the video stream behind Steve’s head, “But not everything. I don’t know if it’ll ever be everything,”

“Do you-“ Steve’s voice catches in his throat but before he can try again a slight smile creeps over Bucky’s face and he ducks his head.

“Yeah, I remember you, not all of you but enough to know-“ He pauses for a second, and Steve tries not to pray too hard as for a second the eyes that had belonged to Bucky flash darker, like a door trying to close. The blink-and-you-miss-it moment is over and Bucky is Bucky again, “I had you on the ropes for a while there,” Steve breathes out and even to him it sounds like a sob.

“Will you come back with me?” Bucky is shaking his head before Steve even finishes and it takes all he has to keep standing.

“Not today, not this week,” He waits until Steve met his eyes again, “Not until I know I won’t wake up with a knife against your throat.” Steve is tempted to tell him he doesn't care about that, but he knows Bucky from the past wouldn't has listened and he doubts this version of his best friend is different when it comes to this, “But there’s a coffee shop around the corner, and it’s not Starbucks so…” Bucky shrugged, his eyes bright. Steve nods slowly, unsure what the next step should be.

“I’ll be there,” Bucky takes a card out of his back pocket “This is the address, in case you don’t know it.” It makes Steve feel better, that Bucky has the address written down like this is exactly how he saw their reunion playing out. Without moving his eyes from Steve he sets it on top of the cabinet he had been half hidden behind before moving backwards, towards a door Steve hadn't even noticed.

“Wait!” Steve lunges forward before he can stop himself but Bucky is already gone. He wasn't sure how long he stood there before he gave up on Bucky’s return, carefully picking up the card. “Tomorrow then,” He sighs, torn between relief and fear that Bucky won't show. The card is warm against his finger-tips, tucked inside a pocket as he glances back over his shoulder at the display, needing one last look before he can leave.

“Tomorrow.”


End file.
